Things Could Always Be Worse

We still don't have the internet, and I'm still reading a lot. The wonderful thing about books is that when you're feeling sad and off-kilter you can always read about people who are 20,000 times more fucked up than you'll ever be. I just finished Blood Meridian and am halfway through Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and while I might still be smoking occasionally and eating too much chili from a can, at least I'm not scalping Indians and wearing their severed ears as a necklace or washing down 50 hits of acid with 2 quarts of alcohol every day. Right? I'm FINE.

I Have Too Much Time

We no longer have the internet in my apartment. For some reason the two people we were stealing it from decided to secure their connections. I know I have no right to be mad about this, but I am. Especially since we do not have a TV. As a result I have been reading a lot and thinking too much.

Last weekend I read Bad Behavior by Mary Gaitskill. It was amazing and I finished it in a day and a half. For those of you who aren't familiar, Mary Gaitskill writes a lot of stories about fucked up women, many of whom are prostitutes and/or into S&M. Finishing it inspired me to read Venus in Furs by Leopold Von Sacher-Masoch. It was published in 1870 and is about a guy who asks the woman he loves to make him her slave. It is also where the term sadomasochism comes from. Needless to say, it's weird.

If Venus in Furs was a dating guide this is what it would sound like:

"Woman, as Nature created her and as she is currently reared by man, is his enemy and can be only his slave or his despot."

"Man and woman are natural-born enemies . . . the person who doesn't know how to subjugate will all too quickly feel the other's foot on the nape of their neck."

"The more devoted the woman is, the more quickly the man sobers up and becomes domineering. But the crueler and more faithless she is, the more she mistreats him . . . the less pity she shows him, the more she arouses the man's yearning to be loved and worshipped by the woman."

"A woman's character is her lack of character. The best woman sinks momentarily into filth, the worst woman unexpectedly rises to great good deeds."

If The Rules could sell 80 billion copies or whatever, I could totally repackage this and make it a bestseller. He's Just Not That Into You Having Free Will? Men Are From Mars, Women Are The Devil?

Bugs Are Gross

(I was going to post a picture of a cockroach, but just looking at them gave me horrifying flashbacks so instead I posted this picture of a puppy.)

Yesterday there was a giant bug in my office. It was terrifying and I'm still recovering.

This is the second time that this has happened and each time the people I work with act like I'm overreacting and say things like, "How long have you lived in New York again?" and "Oh, that's not a roach, it's just a WATER BUG."

I fail to see the logic behind either of these points.

a) I have lived in New York for 7 years, and while I can handle stepping around streams of urine on the sidewalk and watching rats play tag on the subway rails, the experience has yet to warp my mind so much that I am prepared to do battle with prehistoric sized insects.

b) I don't care if you call it a unicorn. It's still a bug and it's still disgusting.

The real kicker is that there are not one, but two men in my office. I'm all for feminism or whatever, but as long as we're getting paid 70 cents on the dollar I am not touching a goddamn bug. Theoretically the men I work with will have made millions of dollars more than me over their lifetimes. The least they can do is kill a roach. Earn your fucking keep.

Phew. I would keep going, but standing up for women's rights is exhausting and I'm pretty sure I hear Gloria Steinem calling to give me a medal or something.

I Am Not Crazy

Evidence that my horoscope is accurate and that I am therefore not insane for checking it religiously every day:

Monthly forecast for July: Get away from it all. Take a vacation or spend time with people you love or take on a project that will enhance your body, mind and spirit. You need to be pampered and nows the time to implement a little ME time. Dont feel guilty.

The absent apostrophes are their mistake, not mine. I guess when you're clairvoyant you don't have time to concern yourself with such petty things as correct punctuation. Anyway . . .

!!!! This is so accurate my head just spun around. I AM going away a lot in July! By the time the month is over I will have been to Chicago, D.C., the New Jersey shore, and Philadelphia. If more than one of these places was far enough away for me to fly or if I could afford more plane tickets I would be quite the jetsetter. As it is, I'm just going to be spending a lot of time on buses and trains. NOT feeling guilty.

Tales From the Dating Crypt

Dating in New York is like living in a war zone; it's every man for himself and years later you emerge with lots scars and horror stories. I always assume this is unique to the city, but that's only because I've lived here for the past seven years and have never dated people anywhere else. I'm sure it's not though. I'm sure dating is awful everywhere because people are awful everywhere. And on that note, here's a story:

A few years a go I went out for drinks with a guy I met at a party. We were getting along and he seemed fine enough. Then we got on the subject of books.

Me: So what is your favorite book?
Him: Oh man, I don't know. That's a hard one.
Me (clutching my chest because I am drunk and excited that we have something in common): Oh my God, I know! It's so hard to pick just one. Okay, okay, how about your top three.
Him: Um, I meant it's hard to pick because I think I've only read, like 10.

Keep in mind that this person was 30. My head almost exploded. Then, as I was making stupid small talk to kill time until I could politely run away and pretend the last hour had never happened, he stopped me to tell me he liked my annerisms. I had no idea what he meant. Annerisms is not a word and I was too exhausted and frustrated to attempt to figure out what he was trying to say. I must have given him a look that communicated this because he smiled and explained that he liked the way I talked and moved my hands. At this point my heart dropped.

Me: Oh, you mean my mannerisms?
Him: Yeah! Yeah, that's the word. Annerism is that brain thing, right?

He meant aneurysm. I knew this because I was having one.

I can't even imagine diving back into this.